ae238

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 01:51:12 GMT

$#%&ing mother@#*&ing warm piles of monkey $%#& mother@#%$ing dum*&@#s can suck my mother@#%$ing $%*&!!!!!

There, I feel much better now.

Be alert!!!! Your country needs lerts!

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 01:56:56 GMT

As we do at the beginning of every week, I'm going to be answering mail from you, the readers (don't you like how I pretend someone has actually looked at this?).

Dear Jonathan,
My boyfriend and I are using the birth control pill. I've heard a lot of news reports lately that there could be dangerous side effects. What kind of risks am I taking, and should I look for a better method?
-Anita Bath

Dear Anita,
Why the hell is your boyfriend taking the pill?
-Jonathan

Dear Mr. Hanover,
Please stop mailing naked pictures of yourself to Sean Connery. If you don't stop, we will be forced to take legal action.
-Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, Attourneys at Law

Dear Sean,
But....I LOVE YOU!!!!!
-Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
I'm unsure as to what to buy my boyfriend for Christmas or his birthday. Could you give me a few tips?
-Amanda Hugankiss

Dear Amanda,
I've been asked this question a lot, and I can only come up with one answer: jumper cables. Seriously. You don't have to spend lots of money. You can get a good set of jumper cables, and it'll only cost you around $25. And jumper cables are important to guys! If I was going to break off the relationship, and my girlfriend bought me a good set of jumper cables, she'd buy herself an additional three months, at least! And do you know what you can get him next year? More jumper cables!!! You can never have enough.
-Jonathan

I hope this helps. As always, I will strive to pass my God-given wisdom on to others. Until next time,
Jonathan

If you love someone, set them free....If they come back, set them on fire.....

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 19:41:23 GMT

I received the grade sheets from my final undergrad class in the mail yesterday. Okay, so the final assignment was to write an eight page paper synergizing everything we've done and relating it to your major. She gave me a D+ on my final paper because it, get this, WAS TOO BUSINESS-RELATED!!!!! Basically, I got a D+ for following the directions too closely. See, this is why tenure is a bad thing. I'd be seriously upset if it wasn't for the fact that I have an A- in the class, and after tomorrow, will be officially graduated.

I'd like to use the remainder of this entry to address another relevant social topic. This was first brought to my attention by Congressman Ted Strickland, who addressed my high school when I was a senior. He also parked in my space (by the way, if you suggest loudly to a friend in front of a congressman's security that you plan to key his SUV for parking in your space, the security gets VERY upset). There are about 85 million people in this country with no health insurance. These people often do not receive the care they need, and hospitals suffer financially when they do treat these people. Furthermore, there are roughly 15-20 million people in this country that go hungry every night.

To me, the solution is obvious. Feed the uninsured to the hungry. Not all at once. No, that wouldn't solve anything. Just a few at a time. Freeze the rest. That way, it'll be fresh. You wouldn't want to feed rotting human flesh to hungry people; that's just cruel.

Never let a bad idea die....

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 03:28:33 GMT

Ya, so I was joking with Heather that if I kept a livejournal like her, it'd be the most boring piece of literature since Wuthering Heights. Think the even chapters of Moby Dick (for those of you that haven't read Moby Dick, the even chapters are fairly irrelevant to the story). Heather, however, thought it'd be a great idea, and since I'd like to prove that my ramblings and failed attempts at poetry are in fact boring, I decided to give it a try.

Now, I would like to weigh in on the current political atmosphere in this country. George W. Bush has made some mistakes during his time in office. I'm not gullible enough to believe, however, that Kerry has any idea how to fix any of them. For crying out loud, my high school economics course taught me Kerry's economic plan (or what little of a plan he has) won't work. And don't even get me started on his tax plan. There has to be another option.....

That's why I'm casting my vote for Mike Ditka. Think about it. Iron Mike has what it takes to get the job done. He's a results-driven leader. He's one of only four people in NFL history to win a Super Bowl as a player, assistant coach, and head coach. How is Iron Mike on national defense? His 1985 Chicago Bears defense is one of the best defenses of all time, featuring the likes of Mike Singletary and Leslie Frazier. How is Ditka on the economy? As General Manager of the New Orleans Saints, Ditka negotiated a deal with Ricky Williams friendly to the Saints' salary cap needs. Can Ditka handle the fragile, talented workforce that drives the new economy? Ditka handled talents such as Richard Dent, Walter Payton, and Ricky Williams, just to name a few. Does Ditka have the creative problem solving skills to handle an ever-changing world? Don't forget, it was Iron Mike Ditka that made The Fridge into a fullback.

When you examine the issues closely, I know you'll see, just as I did, there's only one logical choice....Ditka.